soodenim no longer lives here

•March 4, 2011 • Leave a Comment

Evolve or perish.
Evolve or be doomed to repeat the same mistakes from your past.
Evolution requires change.
Painful or pleasant, it’s unavoidable… and necessary.

Our past is just that… ours.
So I’m taking my past with me to my new digs.

http://mutuoconsensu.wordpress.com

Only one post will remain here. The one where it all began. 🙂



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“The King of Wishful Thinking” – (Sept., 07)

•June 6, 2010 • 11 Comments

Intro: To no one in particular…
It’s ironic that so much commentary is being posted concerning marital status, relationships with married/separated men or women and the lies of commission and omission that we all tell. For the record, does it matter if someone is married or not? Does it matter if he/she is involved, has a boy friend/girlfriend (or both!). A liar is a liar! And if you have/had a liar, then who is to blame for your impatience and neediness that you hired some loser to guard the “Pearly Gates” and gave him/her the keys without doing your own research or waiting period for his/her references to clear?

Act I: To My Sunshine,
When you boil it all down to the lowest common denominator, is it the burden of my loving you that weighs you down (and yes, I am no longer in denial) or is it the weight of the armor that you protect your heart with? I too, seek to protect your heart from me, from my situation, until my transition is complete. I denied my feelings for you knowing that if I believed or had hope that I wouldn’t be able to handle it. I wouldn’t be able to deal with this now foreign concept of having hope in my life. For so long the sun has refused to shine in my life. My eyes had forgotten how to smile. Yet, when you smile, my clouds parted and my eyes felt a vaguely familiar twinkle. It’s as if I awoke from years of just “going through the motions” to survive, and doing what’s expected because that’s what I’m supposed to do. The things you do and the kindnesses that you have shown me have torn my armor from me. My pride, the only thing that remained, that allowed me to stand, now lay in a heap beneath your feet.

Segue: Observation

Men and women have played games with each others hearts, minds and bodies for so long that when truth appears it is all but unrecognizable, unacceptable, and for some, offensive. How dare I approach you as the beautiful, sensitive creature that you were meant to be?, shoot first (ie. let’s go screw) and the hell with even asking the important questions later cause you might have to make an emotional investment in the answer. That goes for men and women. We just shoot in different ways and have different targets (OK, some men and women do have the same targets, but that’s a different post!)

Climax: Return to story line

Like you, I have refused for so long to allow myself to believe that I needed anyone in my life. I could have approached you and told you that I would do things to you that would make your mother giggle and your daddy blush, that I’m the instructor of the man your parents should have warned you about. I know how to subtly fertilize the erotic seeds laying dormant in your mind, I can look in your ear and read your mind, pulling your deepest fantasies out like removing panties from a mannequin, all without disturbing that shiny armor that you’re so proud of. I would paint a picture, using your mind as my erotic subliminal Sistine Chapel… but, I retired my bed post ‘cause there was no more room to put any notches and I was ready to be a true MAN in every sense of the word… not just merely life support for Mr. Happy.

You don’t have to believe anything I’ve said here! My references are all available, a phone call away and find no fault with me, because I never lied to them. I respected them more than I respected myself, enough so to tell them who I really was and still they chose to come again and again!

Denouement

…but, i didn’t seek you out as a conquest… …At one time I believed that I was scared of you. I now know better… I was afraid of myself. I was afraid to allow myself to feel again or to need someone. I thank you for the love we have made without touching each other. There have been times that I must stay away from you, spend my time moving forward on the path I have chosen for myself! Not one you chose for me, nor that I chose because of you. Now, a shadow of the man I once was, I’m moving forward with my life. If you are not there when I emerge from this tunnel in my path, I will smile as I face a new day. If you are there when I emerge from this tunnel, I will smile as I have not done in years. I understand that I do need you, and that need exists only in proportion to the love in my heart.

The King.

ps. Few things on earth would make me happier than to nestle your head on my left shoulder while my right hand caresses time,

and you…

…..drift off…

……..into gentle…

………………slumber.

(fade to black)

fini.

resurrection…

•September 13, 2012 • 1 Comment

… yeah…   that!

he’s back!